(in Stoic thought) the vital spirit, soul, or creative force of a person.
Origin Greek, literally ‘that which is breathed or blown’.
I have given birth to a new soul on this earth. My heart is filled with boundless joy and wonder for this tiny infant girl. My daughter was born this past October in the midst of the most challenging season of my life.
Pneuma by Tool
The Road So Far
July
In July, we went to a friend’s 4th of July party and the Cherry Creek Arts Festival, which is always one of my favorites. I wish I had more money to spend on artwork…and I wish I had more wall-space and shelving to display it all! I can’t wait to take our daughter to this festival year.
August
Our baby shower was a success! Thank you to all our friends and family who came to celebrate with us. We, and our baby girl, felt so loved! And the biggest “thank you!” to my friends, Katheryn and Erica, who came out from Kansas City. They really helped me with the set-up and we had a great time, laughing, catching up, and enjoying each other’s company. It’s hard when friends live in other states so taking the time to come out wherever possible means the world to me. I personally travel a lot to see friends, but that will be on hold for a time, of course. ❤️
I’m pleased with how the decorations turned out, especially the balloon arches that I set up with Katheryn and Erica. It looked like a gorgeous and professional photo backdrop! And even better, I can use it for our Derby Party and any future birthday parties too. I rented the tables, chairs, goblets, and chargers from the Colorado Party Rental. The service was straight-forward, easy, and a little pricey. But I think it was worth it and I would use them again.
Lessons learned for future parties: First, I would remove our couches completely from the living room and set up a corner lounge area. We awkwardly shuffled the couches and the coffee table to the side, which worked…kind of, but didn’t look good. Removing the largest couch and shifting my leather wing-backed chairs would be a better choice for the future. Secondly, I wish I had been able to pay for catering to keep the food fresher. I had a TON of food. Well, it’s better to have a surplus of food rather than a shortage. Unfortunately, seven people canceled on me within the week leading up to the shower. It’s irritating when it’s last-minute, but it happens. I would have been able to change the amount of chairs and tables I rented or invited a few other people.
September – October
My Birth Story
September was spent finishing our daughter’s bedroom. I hired a contractor to build a built-in bed in the awkward inset space of the room. And then my mom and I added a wallpaper mural to finish it off. I’m debating about painting the room, but might wait until she’s old enough to pick her own color. Everything in the room is white, so I may change to darker, purple curtains to fit the aesthetic. I’m in love with the Anthropologie sconces that I had installed even though they were pricey.
At 37 weeks, my friend and photographer Valerie Rae Escanilla was kind enough to do a maternity photo shoot with Eric and I. The photographs turned out perfect! I’m so happy we were able to capture those moments before our daughter arrived.
In October, I received an early morning phone call from my boss and his boss. I was notified that I was apart of a layoff at T-Mobile for Cybersecurity remote-only staff that would take affect immediately. I was one week out from my due date, and yes, I went into labor early because of how awful and stressful that news was. Holy cow. I felt completely miserable, ashamed, and scared for what the future would hold. I tried to comfort my husband, who was understandably freaking out about what this news would mean for our family and financial stability.
I started feeling contractions within 30 minutes of that phone call, although I was too busy trying to calm my husband down and proactively update my Linkedin profile and resume. I knew II would have no time at all once our daughter arrived. I managed to get both of those things done during the day, while feeling contractions. I convinced myself they were fake “Braxton Hicks” contractions. They were annoying, sporadic, and mild so I didn’t pay much attention. We even drove an hour north to see my cranial therapist for a session with Eric and Tsuki. I walked Tsuki around the park while waiting for Eric to finish.
On the drive home contractions continued and I continued to ignore them. The contractions were more frequent, but still mild. Eric and I had dinner and I took a shower. By that time, I was feeling so exhausted that I had to lay down early. I asked Eric to dry my hair and comb it, which was my favorite part of that day and something I really cherished. When the contractions increased in frequency, we began using an app to track them. By the time I started using the app, my contractions were 4 minutes apart. In our baby classes, we were told to go to the hospital when contractions were 5 minutes apart or if my water broke. Despite Eric’s app telling us we needed to GO TO THE HOSPITAL NOW, I asked Eric to call the doctor first. I told them, I didn’t know if they were real contractions or not…..Yes, I am fully aware of how dumb that is to say aloud. I was very deluded that entire day. Dissociation at it’s finest.
The doctor advised that I could try and go to sleep and that I would not be able to sleep through true contractions. We hung up and I tried to go to sleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow, the pain of those contractions went from a 1 to a 7 on the Richter scale. Holy shit, the level disparity was shocking and left me breathless! It was time to go to the hospital and kiss any dreams of sleep “goodbye.”
Our hospital, Rose Medical Center, in Denver was 30 minutes away. We made it in 20 and I about near had my baby in the car. They require you to go to a triage room first to make sure you’re in real labor. Nurse checked my dilation and said I was 6-cm along, for those who know what that means, and my water broke like a tidal wave! It was like every Hollywood moment, all over my cute delivery gown.
I had to change into one of the hospital gowns and they wheeled me to one of the delivery rooms. I was asked if I wanted the epidural and it took me 3 seconds to decide that YES I needed an epidural. I had ideas of maybe doing a natural birth, but after the stress and shock of being in labor, not to mention the pain, it wasn’t worth it. The pain is indescribable and there was no “breathing” through it, despite my efforts and all the preparation classes I took leading up to this. For any woman that goes “natural” for birthing, I salute you. I have no idea how women have done this for thousands of years.
I waited for an eternity for the anesthesiologist to come because he was with another patient. Thank you, Jeff, for giving me the meds. Epidurals are seriously magic.
My parents arrived to the hospital just-in-time, and within an hour of their arrival, within 15 hours of being laid off from my job, my Daughter was born. Thankfully she was/is healthy and there were no complications to the delivery. I’m so grateful to the nurses and doctors on staff at Rose Medical Center. You are all wonderful, incredible, ladies! And despite the turmoil I was feeling and the uncertainty of our future, I welcomed my beautiful Daughter into the world.
More bad luck. Four-days after getting home from the hospital our sewer line backed up at the house. We were able to get that fixed right away, but unluckily it turned into a four-month saga of having to redo our line. Basically, the idiot who built our house decided instead of connecting to the line straight our front door, he would put a 90-degree angle in a shit-pipe and use 3x as much pipe material to connect it to the side road instead. And the grading for the line was also incorrect, meaning our shit was slowly traveling uphill instead of down. So I guess it’s better to have found this all out now, but it did cost is four-months of stress and $30K.
Two-weeks after getting home from the hospital I was back to job-hunting. I wish I had been able to enjoy my maternity leave, but the sewer line broke our financial stability. So I spent time three days a week applying for any job I could. I sent out about 200 applications and received 2 interviews. Thankfully the second interview landed me my new job at The Zayo Group. I started that new position in January 2025. Sadly, I took a massive pay-cut and title-cut for the job, but at least we have healthcare lined up for the beginning of 2025. I enjoy the work and everyone on my team so far has been incredibly welcoming and supportive.
November – December
My Daughter’s first Thanksgiving, Yule, and Christmas! It was SO fun talking to her about the traditions we celebrate in our household. The Yule altar and Christmas decorations were especially magical. Everything with my baby is a fresh perspective on life. How beautiful the tree is with our ornaments and lights! It’s a brand-new experience every time we walk by it! Amid all the holidays, we had our annual marathon of family events. Eric’s Dad and Brother have birthdays in November and my Dad celebrated his 70th birthday in early December! It was fun, but in hindsight too much to take on while having a newborn. I was (and probably still am?) so sleep and emotionally fried 🥴. My Brother and sister-in-law visited to meet my Daughter for the first time. We threw a big pizza party for my Dad’s birthday. And after my Brother and SIL left, my Uncle came into town for Christmas and New Years.
On Christmas Day, our upstairs shower leaked into our downstairs bathroom ceiling. REALLY? Thank you life, for continuously showing me that it can ALWAYS GET WORSE! Ugh. But we made the most of the day by having an enjoyable dinner with our family and having my Daughter open her gifts.
The day after Christmas and for the rest of 2024, Eric had a lot of extended family visiting in town. Seven cousins from Florida and two from Utah came into town that same week. We were able to see them all, but not as much as we would have liked. Still, it was great to see everyone and a good exercise in forcing me to be very mobile & flexible with baby girl.
What Else?
Social Media. How does one navigate everything as a parent in today’s world? With so much judgement and fear of raising entitled, iPad zombies, it takes so much mental effort to try and make decisions now for my daughter. Both Eric and I agree that we will not post any photos of our daughter or any of her future friends on any Social Media platform. I have been actively asking my friends and relatives to NOT post her. I suspect this will be even more challenging when we have play-dates and group events and school to contend with. I plan to have upfront conversations with other parents and hope that others can respect our decision. Social Media engagement seems to be inevitable, but I want my daughter to have a start in life that is free from that. I think minors deserve that chance to have a clean slate until they are old enough to decide for themselves, realize what the capacity for social media is, and what the pros and consequences of using it are.
Politics. It’s been a bit inescapable. There is such a vicious cycle of desperately desiring blissful ignorance and wanting to stay informed without feeling insurmountable stress and depression at the state of things. I care about preserving the Earth, the animals, and plants that make up our beautiful world. I care about other people’s well-being and happiness, social safety nets, and more. I am horrified by the impending slide into fascism that is happening within the US federal government. It was less than 100 years ago that WWII occurred. Do we collectively have such a short, apathetic memory for history? Fuck what is happening right now with our puppet-president and immigrant billionaire-wannabe-overlord.
Monkey killing, monkey killing monkey over Pieces of the ground Silly monkeys Give them thumbs, they make a club To beat their brother down How they’ve survived so misguided is a mystery Repugnant is a creature who would squander the ability To lift an eye to heaven, conscious of his fleeting time here
Right in TwO – Tool
“The international situation is desperate, as usual.”
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues – Tom Robbins
What I’ve Been Writing
I am sad to say that I have not been able to write anything since last year. I talk about this a lot with my fellow writer and writer-mom friends. Everyone tells me to be patient with myself and give myself some space and grace when it comes to my creativity. I simply don’t have time or the mental capacity to write. It’s a big reason why my blog is over three months late! Sigh…
Favorite Reads
This year, in general, was very slow for me book-wise. I did not meet my reading challenge and I’ve dialed back my goals for 2025. While I was pregnant, I wasn’t able to concentrate a lot on either reading or writing. I wish I had made more of an effort last year, but this year I hope to reengage more. I really enjoyed the Tom Robbins book, although not my favorite of his. And Float Plan was an wonderful light romance. Here on Earth was my least favorite Alice Hoffman book. The writing was beautiful as always, but the story was uncomfortable for me and had me banging my head against the wall at the main character’s decisions. I could not fathom the toxicity of the relationship, although I know abusive relationships can be that way it’s hard for me to wrap my head around it.
My short-term goal is to rejoin my bi-monthly critique group. I think April will be a good place to start. This year, I will continue working towards editing the, The Red String of Fate. Since there is already a first draft foundation and I’ve been bringing it to the critique group, I think that’s an easier place to dive back into my writing. If I have any additional creative capacity, then my secondary goal will be to make progress on the first draft of, Nine Kingdoms.
Stay strong. Try and break the cycle of fear/rage news and take time for self-care. Do what you can to actively participate in the fight for your rights. CALL your representatives. If you’re shy, call after 5pm and leave a message. They still count those calls! Donate to causes that you care about. For me, it’s all about climate change and preserving women’s-rights. $2 here and there. I know there are organized marches as well. Whatever it takes. Don’t just sit back and yell at the TV/phone/computer/whatever.
Lily K Borak 